Westhill Episcopal Church

Sunday 22^nd March 2009

Family Matters

Reading: Ephesians 5:22-6:4

Introduction

Almost exactly one year ago the Association of Teachers and Lecturers held their annual conference in the seaside resort of Torquay. On the agenda was the issue of family breakdown and its affect on educational achievement. One of the contributors spoke of the volume of research in the US and Europe clearly indicating that family stability significantly influences a child’s educational outcomes. He said, “We already have a significant problem in Britain because we already have worrying levels of social dysfunction and family breakdown and the situation is getting worse.” [1]

In December 2006 a State of the Nation report commissioned by the Social Policy Justice Group concluded, “Family breakdown, in all its forms, is occurring at a greater rate today than ever before, creating a cycle of dysfunction and instability. Family stability has been in continuous decline for four decades, driven by divorce in the 1960s/70s and cohabitation in the 1980s/90s. Family breakdown, whether by dissolution, dysfunction or ‘dad-lessness’, has many and varied effects, few of which are beneficial to the individuals, their wider family, or society at large. Family breakdown is both contributor to and consequence of poverty and most other social problems.” [2]

These are not the isolated views of small minority groups. These typify the alarm calls being raised by professionals and commentators across all colours of the political spectrum. It is not without significance that the very same decades that feature in the State of the Nation report also show the greatest decline in Christian commitment. This very weekend the Church Society has published statistics of usual Sunday attendance within the Church of England from 1968 to 2005. They show that attendance almost halved over that period, with the steepest decline in the 1960’s and 1970’s, and with a decline in recent years of about 20,000 per year. [3]

Figure 1. C. of E. usual Sunday attendance statistics

These figures relate only to the Church of England. Other denominations, particularly Pentecostal and new charismatic churches, have seen some growth over the same period. However, taken as a whole, the picture for English churches is of a similar or greater decline. The English Church census carried out in May 2005 by Christian Research gathered statistics from half of the known churches in England, from almost all denominations. This showed a 15% decline in regular church attendance between 1998 and 2005. [4] This was an even steeper decline than in the Church of England over the same period (10%).

It is inevitable that as society distances itself from biblical Christian values so relationship structures within society will disintegrate, and society itself will suffer as a consequence. The apostle Paul said, “I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes” (Rom 1:16). There is a wholeness and soundness that is brought by the gospel to society itself, through the relationships that help it adhere together.

So it is that in his letter to the Christians at Ephesus, the apostle Paul, having described the salvation and wholeness that come to the individual believer through faith in Christ, now turns his attention to the impact that radical changes in individual behaviour will have on society.

The individual Christian believer, he says, will now be motivated by love, and by a desire to do what pleases the Lord, as one who understands God’s will by the infilling of the Holy Spirit (Eph 5:1-18). Such a radical and fundamental change in behaviour will inevitably impact on the relationships between the individual believer and others, particularly in marriage and family life, but also in other social structures.

Submission – the Key to Godly Relationships

The key under-pinning principle, says Paul, is submission to one another. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph 5:21).

Now the submission Paul speaks of here is not some kind of insipid, wishy-washy weakness that gives in to whatever and whoever brings pressure to bear on us. It is a particular kind of submission, that is described as being “out of reverence for Christ”. This submission is the kind of submission Jesus demonstrated. It derives from the believer’s commitment to imitate Him (5:1), live a life of love (5:2), live as a child of light (5:8), live to please the Lord (5:10), and be filled with the Holy Spirit (5:18).

Now in most modern translations the words “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” are laid out as a sentence, very often commencing a new paragraph. They imply that “submit” is an imperative verb – a command – commencing a new line of thought. But this is certainly not the way Paul wrote. The line of thought starts way back in verse 18, and indeed this is where the sentence commences and where the imperative verb can be found. Everything that follows is a development or application of this main thought. So how should this long sentence really appear?

“And be not drunk with wine, in which is wantonness, but be filled by the Spirit, speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and psalming with your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, being subject to one another in the fear of Christ” (Eph 5:18-2, Bagster, 1969 [5])

The imperative command is to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Submitting to one another is part of the outworking of this in our lives. Our relationship to God must come first. When this is right then our relationships with others will fall into place.

So what does this word mean, that is variously translated “submit” and “be subject”? The Greek word used is hupotasso, from hupo (under) and tasso (arrange). It is used in 1 Cor 15: 27 and in Eph 1:22 where it says that all things have been “put under” Christ’s feet, and in Phil 3:21 where it says that Christ will “bring everything under” his control. It is used of Jesus in Lu 2:51 where it says he “was obedient to” his parents. It is used in Lu 10:17,20 where it says that demons “submit” to the disciples in Jesus’ name. Peter uses this word when he tells us to submit to civil authorities (1 Pet 2:13).

We are called to put ourselves under each other, to defer to each other, to esteem others as better than ourselves. This applies to us all, but most particularly to leaders. Jesus taught that the world’s leaders seek to control and have authority over others. He said that this should never be the case in the Church. Instead leaders should follow his example to be servants, and to lay down their lives for those they lead (Matt 20:25-28). So are you a leader of others? Do you see this as an opportunity to do things your way, to control others and exercise your authority over them? If so then you have misunderstood what Christ-like leadership is all about. He calls you to submit to those you lead, to see yourself as their servant, to lay down your own rights and aspirations in order to see Christ fully formed in them.

And if you are not a leader yet, then seek to develop in your life this one most important aspect of Christ-likeness, that of servanthood and submission to others. Listen, there are no disputes, no divisions, no splits in a church filled with disciples of Jesus who submit to one another in his name. You might say, yes but if everyone is actively submitting to everyone else then no-one will take control, set the vision, and drive things forward, and that church isn’t going anywhere. You would be quite right, but it is not you or I who takes control. It is Jesus who is the head, and through his Holy Spirit it is he who takes control, sets the vision and drives things forward. One of the biggest mistakes church leaders have made over the past two thousand years is to think they are in control. It is one of the biggest temptations that Satan entices them with. And church history is littered with the consequential fall-out caused by those who have succumbed to the temptation.

The Lord has five words for all such leaders: “Give me back my church!”

Marriage Partnerships

Speaking of submitting to one another brings Paul to the husband-wife relationship.

The first thing to note is that most translators have given an emphasis here that is not in the original. “Wives submit to your husbands” appears to be the start of a new sentence and a new paragraph, the first and most important principle relating to the marriage relationship. You will be intrigued to know, then, that the word “submit” does not appear in verse 22, nor again in verse 24 in connection with wives and husbands. Oh, don’t get me wrong, the verb “submit” is implied. But its absence indicates that verse 22 is not the start of a new principle, but is in fact the continuation of the previous principle. So it should read

... be filled by the Spirit ... being subject to one another in the fear of Christ: wives to their husbands as to the Lord.” (Eph 5:21,22)

So our Christian duty of submitting ourselves to one another has a particular outworking in the marriage relationship. For the wife this means that she will willingly submit to her husband, and her primary motivation for this will be her desire to submit to Christ. So she is not going to undermine her husband, or disparage him, even though he can be a right idiot at times! She will believe all things, hope all things, endure all things. She will encourage him to seek the Lord, to grow in faith, and to do exploits for God. And if this means that he is seen and she is unseen than she is willing to pay that price, knowing that the Lord sees all and rewards all.

Now notice that wives submit to their husbands as to the Lord. What does this mean? It means that for her the marriage relationship is not a two-fold one but a three-fold one. For her the Lord himself is present, and is the head of the relationship, even if her husband is not a believer. She submits to her husband because she knows this is what pleases the Lord. It is this faith that will sustain her through difficult times, times when her husband may be unworthy of her submission, or when he may take advantage of her. Sadly we know that in some cases a wife may face extreme abuse that renders her life intolerable. Then, above all, it is her commitment to Christ that must take precedence. It is his voice that she needs to listen to and obey, before that of her husband.

So what about the husband? It seems from the way this scripture is translated that the husband is not required to submit to his wife. But if we read the original text we cannot come to that conclusion. The original imperative instruction says to us all “Be filled by the Spirit ... being subject to one another in the fear of Christ.” Submission is mutual; it applies to husbands as well as wives. So in what way is the husband to be subject to his wife? The answer is given quite clearly. He is to give himself for her and serve her, even as Christ gave himself for and served the Church. He is to give himself selflessly to and for his wife, nourishing her, loving her, laying down his life for her, and seeking the very best for her. Thus the meaning of headship for the husband is devotion, not domination. It is summed up by Christ's example, whereby He gave up his own life to save the Church, and devoted Himself to the task of ensuring her well-being and spotless perfection. The Christ-like husband counts it as his greatest privilege to lay aside his own ambitions and aspirations in order to provide opportunities for his wife. He will forego what he wants in order to provide what she needs. He will be prepared to descend to the lowest of the low if by so doing he can lift her up higher.

The children of this world are sometimes wiser than the children of God in grasping this truth. How more challengingly could it have been put than by Bryan Adams:

Now I’m not pretending this is easy. In some cases the challenges can appear to be insurmountable. But we will never accomplish the kind of mutual submission that God calls us to without fulfilling the first imperative – be filled with the Spirit. You see, the prayer “come Holy Spirit” is not just a prayer reserved for times of worship or for ministry times in response to God’s touch on our lives. It is a prayer for our day to day lives, as we seek to honour Christ within our relationships.

Family Relationships

It is not just in marriage that the world so desperately needs to see the power of the gospel being worked out. It applies to family relationships too. So the principle of mutual submission under the empowering of the Holy Spirit is just as important here. For children and young people submission to parents means obeying and honouring them, and this itself demonstrates commitment to Christ.

But in what sense do parents submit to their children? A good lesson can be learned from the birds raising their chicks in the spring. See the devotion and tireless activity of the parent birds as they fly to and from the nesting site building the nest from twigs and moss gathered from near and far. Then observe their unswerving and selfless commitment to feeding the nestlings. And finally see their amazing efforts in teaching the young birds to fly and fend for themselves, protecting them from predators. How else could you describe the actions of the parent birds other than selfless submission to the needs of their offspring?

So it is with us. Paul says of our children that we must “nurture them in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Eph 6:4). This is how parents are to serve their children. Of course, it is possible to neglect this responsibility. Instead of submitting myself to meeting the needs of my children I may choose to get on with other things. Maybe in another context they would be quite legitimate things. But when I have responsibility for children these other choices may have to take second place, or be laid aside completely.

In this text Paul says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children.” The word “exasperate” used in the NIV is too weak. The actual Greek verb used, parorgizo, means to provoke intensely and arouse anger. The noun form of this word is used in Eph 4:26,27, “do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, nor give the devil a foothold.” Exasperation is when someone has trailed through the kitchen leaving muddy footprints just after you have washed the floor. Provocation to anger is when they did it deliberately. So, says Paul, don’t do that to your children. This definitely means no deliberate wrongs. Jesus reserved his strongest warnings of judgement for those who harm children or cause them to sin (Matt 18:5). But it also includes those times when we treat them unjustly without meaning to, causing indignation, frustration and resentment. Those times when we undeservedly get them into trouble and then tell them not to answer back when they protest. But what it does not mean is that we should leave them undisciplined. Children can tell the difference between just and unjust discipline. I can remember two punishments in particular that I received at school. The first entailed 6 whacks on the backside with a slipper. Half a dozen of us received this, and it stung for half a day, but none of us had any resentment whatsoever – we all knew that we had done wrong, and we all had considerable respect for the teacher concerned. The second entailed no physical discipline whatsoever, just a rebuke in front of the whole class. But that provoked me intensely to indignation and resentment, because I was not guilty of the accusation – it was all based on a misunderstanding.

Now, if you are a parent – a father in particular – what do you do to avoid provoking your children to anger? Remember, the last thing you want is to cause them to sin by letting the sun go down on their wrath, and so give the devil a foothold in their lives. And you want to train them in the right way, so that they in turn will discipline their own children fairly and wisely. Looking back, I hope that I gave adequate opportunity to my children to raise it with me if I was guilty of an injustice. But I am now feeling that just hoping is not enough. I think if I were to raise them again I would put some system in place for them to use. Maybe to give each of them a red flag, and tell them that when they go to bed if they are angry with me for any reason to hang up the flag. Something – anything – that will ensure it is sorted out before the sun goes down.

Conclusion

Now there are other relationship structures that occur in society, and we don’t have time to consider these in detail. And perhaps we don’t need to as a congregation. What we have seen from this scripture is that the transforming power of the gospel provides the means and the method for healing, reconciliation and wholeness in all relationships. The means is the infilling and guidance of the Holy Spirit; the method is submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. The form of that submission will vary with the form of the relationship, but it will be genuine and Christ-like.

Let me return to a quotation I gave at the beginning of this talk: “Family breakdown, in all its forms, is occurring at a greater rate today than ever before, creating a cycle of dysfunction and instability.” Well, brothers and sisters, we know how this can be fixed. Let us go out from this placed determined by God’s grace to play our part in bringing wholeness in our own relationships, and to bear witness to others how the power of the gospel of Christ can transform their lives too.